Today I am missing someone that was in my life for my entire life except for the last 3 or 4 years. My cousin S was a very important person in my life. She was there for me when I was small. She was older than me and I considered her my second mother. Her mother and father were my 'great' aunt and uncle. She was beautiful, smart and funny. She traveled the world and I loved her because of all the things that she had been through in her life. She had one child who was the same age as my oldest child. They lived in NYC. They vacationed at my home in PA to get a taste of country life. I enjoyed being with her. I enjoyed our lively conversations and I loved her point of view. I couldn't get enough of being around her.
Cousin S was with me when my father died. And also through my great divorce of 1996. She was also with me through my great divorce of 1998. She helped me raise my children. She was my sounding board. I felt we could tell each other anything. She yelled at me, cried with me, we shared life and I enjoyed every bit of it.
I moved 1 hour away from NYC to be near her. I wanted to be near her so I could see her more rather than talk on the phone. I also thought, well, she is now in her late 60's, so I should be near her in case she needed me. Unfortunately she did not feel the same. It became quite clear after my move to the Lehigh Valley, that I invaded her space. She did not want me to come visit her, she didn't enjoy talking to me and our time on the phone became less and less. She had her circle of friends, her job and her pets. She had a routine and I was ruining it.
Some of us have that very rare privilege to be friends with someone for a long time. I have had friends and acquaintances that I have had in my life since I was 3 years old. It's so nice to talk to someone and say, "hey, remember when...blah blah blah..." and then laugh like crazy. Then there are the people, who, for whatever reason, just don't want you there anymore. Their space and time is limited and they choose to fill your spot with someone or something else. And you are left with this feeling of, "WHAT? WHY? Did I not mean that much to you?' The truth is, sometimes there is no reason or cause, sometimes it's just a 'what's so'..... Maybe you have outgrown this person, or they, you.. maybe things that were once funny are not so funny anymore, and views have changed. The best thing we can do for ourselves is LET GOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It's ok...no one is going to die. My cousin S and I are both fine. We are fine in our individual places....not in each other's life. So, today, although I am missing her, I wish her well....I wish her happiness, and I remember many fun times. Acceptance is the key to life. I don't remember who said that, but they are right. I am letting her go...maybe she will be like a butterfly and return, then again, maybe she will be a balloon and be gone forever. Whatever it is, I will be fine.
Rose Ellen Moore